Steer Clear of Hooverville on Election Night: The Republicans Will Be Armed and Dangerous

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By Glynn Wilson

THE OTHER SIDE OF BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — When I heard the Alabama Republican Party was holding its main election night party at a gun shop and firing range over the top of the mountain in Hooverville, I considered crashing the party with the new Nikon D7000.

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It would be hilarious to see the look on their faces when their so-called “victory” party turns into a sob-fest, when President Barack Obama is declared the winner. They might not be so sad when it turns out Judge Bob Vance came out on top over Ten Commandments Judge Roy Moore in the Supreme Court Chief Justice race with only about 80 days to campaign.

Word on the street is that even pro-business Republicans are working against Moore and have embraced Vance.

Even Penny Bailey may take down the unethical and mostly absent boob of a Congressman Spencer Bachus, so I guess those gun-toting Republicans will have something to shoot about on the Hoover Tactical Firearms firing range. It could turn ugly, which would make some great video footage for YouTube.

But in the final analysis, nobody is paying me anywhere near enough to get in the middle of that crowd in such a dark hour.

Plus, who wants to drive to freaking Hoover and drink with a bunch of armed, whiskey-swilling suits — and then have to turn around and drive all the way back across town? One might as well call ahead for reservations in the Birmingham Jail.

If things go as planned on Tuesday after the home visit from the RV mechanic, I will be in Homewood celebrating the fact that Alabama’s Supreme Court will no longer be made up of all nine Republicans, and that the voters sent whacky old Judge Roy Moore packing one more time. I honestly think Judge Bob Vance has a chance in that race, if enough people split their tickets.

The easy thing to do on this ballot is to just hit that one party button and go home, so it will take enough people willing to go to the trouble. Alabama has a long history of ticket-splitting, however, so we’ll see.

In fact, even though I just happened to stock up on double-ought buckshot shells for the Remington 12-guage just this week, I was not even going to acknowledge this party at all. Is it really news?

But since every news organization in the damn world has now taken their potshots at the good ole boys who think they run my home state, how could I resist?

Forget all the snarky blog posts by partisans with no journalism experience. Reuters outdid them all with this little item in the land where funny news is the most valued news of all, even if that means your former mayor and governor have to do some serious prison time.

Alabama may not be a battleground state but its Republicans will be armed for victory on Tuesday night.

The party, which dominates local politics and is a champion of gun rights, will hold its main election night celebration at a firing range and gun shop on the outskirts of Birmingham.

“It is consistent with our philosophy to celebrate in a place that sells guns. A gun is a way to protect yourself and to hunt, a great Alabama sport,” said Bill Armistead, chairman of the Alabama Republican Party.

Only unloaded guns will be allowed through the facility’s secured doors and into the firing range. The firing range, but not the bar, will be open to guests and customers until 8 p.m. at Hoover Tactical Firearms, organizers said.

“It is a very nice place to have a reception,” said Armistead, citing a roomy ballroom and convenient deli.

Security will be tight, he said, adding that some “very intimidating looking people who will be armed and ready” would be working security at entrances to the site.

So far so good, but then they added this whopper. I can’t believe a bona fide news organization would move this nonsense across the wires, Internet or no Internet.

In addition to a White House win for Republican challenger Mitt Romney, Alabama Republicans hope to be celebrating a shutout of Democrats from all statewide offices.

If that happens, it would be the first total Republican sweep in the state since Reconstruction in the late 19th Century.

Dream on, but watch where you point that pistol, Mr.

How did the bloggers handle the story at the new corporate news Website al.com?

The Alabama Republican Party is ready for a shootout come Tuesday night, and they literally mean a shootout.

The state GOP has announced that it will hold its election night party at Hoover Tactical Firearms. Usually election night parties are held at hotel ballrooms or civic centers. But for election night 2012 the Alabama GOP has picked a place that bills itself as “The Answer to All Your Tactical Weaponry Needs.”

The party night lineup includes former Miss Alabama, Amie Beth Dickinson Shaver, who will be the mistress of ceremonies. Special guests include the current Miss Alabama, Anna Laura Bryan, who will sing the National Anthem. Live music will be provided by an appropriately named group, Act of Congress and food will be available for purchase at the store’s deli.

But, it’s the chance to be in the company of one of the largest selections of weapons in Alabama and the large indoor firing range at Hoover Tactical Firearms that is sure to be the draw to this party. After all, how many election night parties welcome you and your pistol or rifle?

Party Communications Director Shana Kluck said party goers can bring their gun for use on the firing range Tuesday evening – it will cost you $23 – but Kluck stressed that no one will be allowed to have a loaded weapon except on the firing rang.

Kluck said those who bring guns are asked to come with the weapon empty. She said security will be checking weapons to make sure that the only place they are loaded is on the firing range.

Asked if she had any concerns that a Mitt Romney win Tuesday might lead to some ecstatic GOP partisans firing off their weapons in celebration or a win by President Obama might leave some GOP faithful so despondent they might turn their weapons on themselves, Kluck didn’t miss a beat in her response.

“We strongly discourage either action,” she said.

Is that really supposed to be funny?

I hope somebody gets the video. We could use it from now on in videos to take down the old War Between the States crowd in election after election. They are, after all, a shrinking percentage of the electorate in American demographic terms.

Somebody needs to document their sad little final affair. Too bad we don’t have video of the Confederate Army staff fleeing like rats after the surrender at Appomattox.

© 2012, Glynn Wilson. All rights reserved.

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