The George W. Bush 2006 State of the Union Drinking Game
Step-by-step instructions for surviving the smirk
by Will Durst
* What you need: A group of four taxpayers: one white guy wearing a suit,
two people wearing jeans — one in a work shirt, the other in a dark
shirt — and one person wearing rags. (Stitched-together washcloths are
nice.) All four taxpayers are grouped around a cocktail table within
sight of the television. Newspapers on floor in front of television.
* One shot glass per person. Everyone brings their own and places it on
the table. Suit picks one first. Then Work Shirt. Then Dark Shirt. Suit
takes the last one as well, and Rags gets a Dixie Cup with the top
scissored off.
* 5 bucks apiece, everybody antes.
* One fondue pot with two packages of Li’l Smokies stewing in barbecue
sauce on table. Preferably a sauce from Texas. Surrounded by:
* 100 cocktail toothpicks. The kind with the little American flags
wrapped around the top.
* A large stash of beer. Rags gets the cheapest stuff you can find, like
Old Milwaukee Light; Suit gets to drink whatever import he asks for; the
jeans get to pick their favorite domestic brand, but they are required to
pay for all the beer and the Li’l Smokies.
Rules of the Game
1. Whenever George W uses the phrases: “national security,” “tax relief,”
“activist judges,” or “affordable health care,” drink two shots of beer.
2. Whenever George W mentions the tragic events of 9/11, the last person
to grab a toothpick, stand, and salute must drink three shots of beer. If
you stab yourself in forehead with the toothpick, drink two more shots.
3. If George W actually says, “If Al Qaeda is calling you, we want to
know why.” first person to finish a whole beer gets to toss Li’l Smokies
at any of the others until they finish their beer. Use the toothpicks.
4. If George W makes up a word like “strategerie” or “deteriorize,” drink
four shots of beer.
5. If George W speaks of Hamas and repeats his earlier statement that
“it’s good to see people are demanding honest leadership,” the first
person to stop laughing gets to drink one shot of beer then pummel Suit
with empty shot glass. No head shots.
6. Whenever George W talks about bi-partisanship, the last person to grab
his throat in a choking motion has to eat 4 Li’l Smokies.
7. If either the Vice President Dick Cheney or First Lady Laura Bush are
caught napping, last person to sing “Wake Up Little Susie, Wake Up,” has
to drink three shots of beer.
8. Predict the number of applause breaks. Person closest to correct
number may then force the other three to drink that number of shots of
beer in whatever ratio they wish.
9. Three shots of beer if he mentions New Orleans. Five shots of beer if
he mentions Brownie. Two full beers if he mentions Abramoff.
10. Every time Tom DeLay is shown in the audience, take turns throwing
Li’l Smokies at the TV. Suit sits out. First face hit doesn’t have to
drink two shots of beer. Every time Hillary Clinton is shown in the
audience, Suit throws Li’l Smokies at the TV. If he hits her face,
everyone else drinks two shots of beer. Use the toothpicks.
11. Whenever George W quotes the Bible, last person to fall to their
knees and cry “Hallelujah!” drinks two shots of beer.
12. Whenever George W smirks during a standing ovation, take turns
drinking shots of beer until the audience sits down. Do it double time if
his shoulders shake with silent laughter.
EXTRAS:
* Whoever can correctly identify in advance the person giving the
Democratic Response doesn’t have to watch it.
* Suit gets to kick Rags hard, once, if George W uses a heartfelt story
of a pulling yourself up by your bootstraps to illustrate a point. Twice
if the regulation of large cardboard boxes is mentioned as a security
precaution. Rags gets 15 seconds to kick the Suit if Bush reveals the
subject of the anecdote is in the audience. 30 seconds if he or she is
sitting next to Harriet Miers. 1 full minute if she’s sitting next to an
astronaut.
* Suit takes home $20.
* Leftover beer, Li’l Smokies and fondue pot go home with Rags.
Political Comic Will Durst needs a volunteer to wear the suit.
“If we don’t change our direction, we’re going to wind up where
we’re headed.” - Native American proverb
