The Real and True Abridged History of the World

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In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, “Let there be light: and there was light.”
– Genesis, 1:1-1:3

Under the Microscope
by Glynn Wilson

In the beginning there was no such place called Alabama. It didn’t come along until much later.

After a time it was populated with the poor people of Appalachia, however, along with some rich carpet baggers from up North, quite a number of African slaves — and there were those Cherokee, too — but the light didn’t quite reach all the way down South to shine on the good people who sprang from the dust of the Earth there.

So eventually God got around to creating newspapers to give them some light, but that light sometimes hurt their heads when they tried to read it.

Then God created talk radio and Rush Limbaugh was born. And Rush Limbaugh declared that newspapers were “liberal,” which became a bad word like “Communist” or “New Yorker” or “intellectual.”

Afraid that radio or TV might finally put newspapers out of business, God created Si Newhouse to give the people of Alabama a “conservative” press that would reinforce their racist, homophobic stereotypes about the world, just like radio.

But God was not satisfied with everything in his creation, since some of his people actually voted for a Democrat for president, Bill Clinton, in 1992. So he allowed a politician named Al Gore to invent the “Internets,” a newfangled way to hook up a computer to a phone line and reach out and touch other computers.

Since God sometimes has a sense of humor, just like man who he created in his very own image, God also created Matt Drudge. And he was one smart cookie, this Drudge, a humble T-shirt salesman, who learned how to exploit the Internets for profit.

Drudge posted all these headlines linked to stories written by real journalists, and he was a lot like Rush Limbaugh. Only instead of talking about the evils of the world such as “liberals” on the radio, he liked to post headlines from actual newspaper reporters on something called the World Wide Web, which was hooked up to the Internets.

His headlines tended to be very sensational and scandalous, sort of like tabloid newspapers. The biggest story he broke that made him famous involved the private sex life of a politician. In fact he heard from a source that President Bill Clinton was having oral sex with a willing intern in the White House, and he declared that was bad.

God likes heterosexual sex, mind you. He created sex so people could procreate and multiply and OVER populate the Earth.

But he only wants man to have sex with one woman at a time, his wife, and never with another man, at least according to Limbaugh and Drudge and others like them, like Alabama’s very own attorney general, Troy King.

God also created conservative members of Congress to impeach this sinner Bill Clinton and try to drive him from the White House.

Of course that didn’t work, because one of God’s fallen angels, a powerful force called “Satan” — aligned with evil creatures called Democrats — prevented it.

Then in the year 2000, God was not pleased with Al Gore for his invention of the Internets, so God blessed a not so smart or humble fellow from down in Texas named George W. Bush. And God, with the help of some of his many minions at churches across America, as well as the Supreme Court, helped Bush steal the election away from bad old liberal Al Gore.

Even though “thou shalt not steal” was one of God’s 10 commandments, he let some people get away with it from time to time — just to spite the old Devil.

God’s most powerful angel was not happy with the way Bush used his political offices to reward giant oil companies and insurance companies or Vice President Dick Cheney’s buddies in the contracting business, and he was not happy with how Bush allowed the federal government to spy on his people.

So he invented blogs.

And these blogs, which are published on the Web and read by people connected to the Internets, are written by a subclass of humans called “bloggers,” who tend to shine a lot more light on things than perhaps God had originally intended.

For in the beginning, when He warned man and woman not to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge in the Garden of Eden, God had wanted his people to be happy. He knew that “ignorance is bliss.”

But God had created man, and woman from his rib (with lots of barbecue sauce), to naturally have a certain curiosity about the world. So they ate the fruit anyway and figured out they were not wearing any clothes.

At first they were embarrassed about it, but later they learned what to do in their nakedness. And in the Age of the Internets, they even liked to look at other people naked on their computers sometimes, which was against God’s “commandments” handed down a few thousand years ago by a man named Moses. The practice was called “lust,” and even though God created man with a genetic tendency to do it so he could propagate his species, God still thought it was bad.

Now along the way in human history, you must understand, God has also created men called prophets, who foresaw the end of the world coming one day. They wrote their predictions in God’s book, called The Holy Bible.

And while he was not one of God’s smartest creatures, George W. Bush sort of thought he was a prophet. So after Sept. 11, 2001, when Satan’s own people, the radical Muslim “terrorists,” attacked New York and Washington, Mr. Bush figured it was time to bring about the end of God’s creation.

For every good Christian dreams of the day when the world will come to an end and hopes to be alive to see it happen.

For one of the great stories in the only true book tells the story of The Rapture, an event that is supposed to take place right before the end, when God will take a few good men with him who attended only the right churches. They will be carried up into the sky without having to die. What a way to go. I wonder if they will be snorting cocaine and drinking Crown?

The end had been predicted, after all, in The Bible, the only irrefutable book in publishing history filled with not one single contradiction in its philosophy. And the end was talked about quite a lot in a set of books called the Left Behind series, written by some of God’s own designated true intellectuals. In the books, they explained exactly what was going to happen in the end, and Bush was convinced.

So he attacked this place called Iraq, where some of the early battles in the Bible took place. It was also a place with lots of oil, which man used to fuel his cars, the primary vehicle for moving him through rush hour traffic from one side of the cities to the other — to work in low paying jobs.

And the world was running out of oil, so Bush had to try to grab all of it for God’s people, “the American people.”

And now that the world is facing its final war, which will soon involve another country called Iran, Mr. Bush likes to spend most of his time riding bicycles like a teenager. His many helpers, such as his aide Karl Rove, who some call “Bush’s brain,” or “the architect,” continue to work hard every day trying to put the tree of knowledge genie back in the bottle.

But bloggers, who are the most evil of creatures on the planet and who have exploited this thing called knowledge to try and set men free, are onto Mr. Rove. They are chasing him around the globe and, along with a few Democrats in Washington, they are trying to put God’s chosen political operative in jail.

Now God knows jails are places made for people like former Alabama Governor Don Siegelman, not people like Mr. Bush or Mr. Rove. Congress cannot seem to get the votes together to impeach Mr. Bush, and that’s the way God wants it. Because you see, just like man, His finest creation, He wants to be there to see it all blow up and disappear too.

eo_wilson1.jpg
Gregory Heisler
E.O. Wilson’s book Naturalist tells stories about his time growing up in Alabama and getting into science…

Even though God once went to a lot of trouble getting a man named Noah to save all the creatures on the planet from a great flood, he can’t wait to see all of the creatures destroyed in a giant nuclear fire. It will be the finale of all finales, the final fantastic Fourth of July fireworks show.

And God will be pleased and he knows man will be pleased too.

God will then go out into the vast universe, aboard his invisible space shuttle, and create another world. And he will take with him a few good men, no women allowed of course, so there can be no more procreation of humans.

Because, you see, God will not include man in his next experimental design, according one of His greatest prophets.

For, while man can be very good at times, he can also be very bad.

Perhaps it would be better to let the ants run the world, God thinks, since they seem to be much better at working together.

And the ants, of course, would never read blogs or that evil online encyclopedia called Wikipedia — and get too smart for their britches.

For in the land called Alabama, that’s the greatest sin of them all.

© 2008 – 2016, Glynn Wilson. All rights reserved.

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